i am only human- i am entitled to make mistakes...

"Right To Be Wrong"

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I 'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe

I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the boneSee,
I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me aloneI've got a right to be wrong

I've been held down to longI've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Stupid! How stupid you are!!!! These words scream inside of me whenever I’ve done something wrong… most of the time I blame myself for committing false acts, wrong decisions and false judgments… I’ve been very impatient with myself… been very harsh and unforgiving… perhaps that’s one of the reasons why being a perfectionist and idealist becomes at one point or the other- negative! But, now a realization came… God has blessed me two people who reminded me that I am only human. I will make mistakes and that it’s okay to make one. They often tell me that God understands why people (that of course includes myself) commit wrongful acts and that God is a forgiving God… he is a God of mercy who understands things that are difficult for us too comprehend… After all, why would he send his only begotten son if He doesn’t love us that much right? (but that of course doesn’t give us the right to abuse His forgiving heart for our earthly desires)Yes, I know all of that but most of the time I forget and tend to take things in control believing that I can manipulate them in my own two hands… Well, that’s where pride settles in, in believing that you could do almost anything even if it’s beyond your control… and I was wrong… I was too forgetful… I have to be reminded all the time that I am only human and that apart from God I can do nothing… I was just too tied down with my responsibilities that every wrong move I make, I fear that it might slow me down. But the more I run away from my mistakes the more they catch up on me… the more I realized that I have to forgive myself before I can truly go on… the wrong moves cannot be straightened out by another one… but then again every move is a lesson learned… I have to take my time with each step… two steps forward and one step back… that’s how I have to start from now on… and from that I hope I will move on…

The ANGEL in RAGE!!!

I have been lost as of the past years including the one that just recently passed, but until now I am not yet found… still I am searching for something within. Something that would fill up the rest of the void. A void that the past and the present had left empty.

For quite sometime I have been wandering off somewhere… the place? Until now, I don’t know where… Maybe in the deep dark abysses of an estranged mind… or the damned cul- de –sacs of mundane existence or perhaps through the deceiving avenues of temptations. Where?! I don’t exactly know where. All I know is that I’ve wandered off that far to even know where I am right now. Sure, I have something in my mind for a nice destination… a place of tranquility… a place where I truly belong… I’ve wandered that far to find such an abode, but to no avail… hhmmm, maybe you’re asking as to why I didn’t ask others that were far knowledgeable than me… I did I asked. Yet no one answered my inquiry… no one understood me… no one.

All the more I became empty. All the more, the empty void within me grew!!! All the more I wandered- until I was gone… so far to be reached. So secluded to be touched. So hidden to be seen. So muffled a voice to be heard. Indeed, I accepted it I was far gone. A rebel on the loose… A progeny of the prodigal son you might add if you want to…but what’s that for me now? NOTHING!!! I DON’T CARE OF WHAT EVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME, WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, HOW YOU SEE ME OR IF EVER YOU REALLY SEE ME!!! I was too pained of people who pretend to care… too pained by people of mockery… of people of pretension and what I so called plasticity… All I wanted was to be listened to, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, to be consoled, to be loved. But many times, MANY TIMES- I find myself alone in a corner trying to be sane enough to pacify the cries of my longing soul…

Wait! No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not blaming no one, not even myself. Yes, you heard me all right!!! And that’s one of the most painful things I don’t get to blame anyone. Tell me, Can I blame you for not knowing that I am searching? Can I blame you when you don’t have the slightest idea that I am longing? Can I blame you for not hearing my pleas? The answer would be a resounding no!!! For I hid it… never let it show. Hidden it into the depths of my heart, mind, body and soul. but now I can’t help it anymore… it’s showing… emerging from the confines of my safekeeping. Manifesting through my thoughts, words, actions.

I’m also human and I also get tired… Tired of what? Of wearing this mask. Of wearing fake faces- a mask of smiles, happiness, bliss, blithe, amity, or felicity… I’m weary… I’m haggard… and my cry echoes in my eyes… my lamentations still left burning in my chest… and now pretensions, deceiving I cannot ingest… so behold! I now take off my mask… see what’s inside. Come and join me in my hapless plight:

For the longest time I’ve walled up my feelings inside, plastered it so well so no one would suspect. But now the foundations I built are now crushed by the ruthless storms that punish every fortress in on dark sleepless nights… the foot of my altar washed over by towering waves… my shelter swayed as the cold, howling midnight winds blow.

I AM A TURMOIL… I AM A MESS.

But still I’m desperately searching for the LIGHT.

I’m longing to regain sight for I am blinded…
I am being stoned to death…
I am honed and being strengthened…
I’ll accept defeat so I could learn from the wisest of the most wisest men…
I’LL LIVE… I’LL FIGHT AND I’LL SURVIVE!!!

Still I’m going to wander…
Still I continue on with this quest…
Because maybe, just maybe… when I’m lost, there I’ll be found…