The ANGEL in RAGE!!!

I have been lost as of the past years including the one that just recently passed, but until now I am not yet found… still I am searching for something within. Something that would fill up the rest of the void. A void that the past and the present had left empty.

For quite sometime I have been wandering off somewhere… the place? Until now, I don’t know where… Maybe in the deep dark abysses of an estranged mind… or the damned cul- de –sacs of mundane existence or perhaps through the deceiving avenues of temptations. Where?! I don’t exactly know where. All I know is that I’ve wandered off that far to even know where I am right now. Sure, I have something in my mind for a nice destination… a place of tranquility… a place where I truly belong… I’ve wandered that far to find such an abode, but to no avail… hhmmm, maybe you’re asking as to why I didn’t ask others that were far knowledgeable than me… I did I asked. Yet no one answered my inquiry… no one understood me… no one.

All the more I became empty. All the more, the empty void within me grew!!! All the more I wandered- until I was gone… so far to be reached. So secluded to be touched. So hidden to be seen. So muffled a voice to be heard. Indeed, I accepted it I was far gone. A rebel on the loose… A progeny of the prodigal son you might add if you want to…but what’s that for me now? NOTHING!!! I DON’T CARE OF WHAT EVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME, WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, HOW YOU SEE ME OR IF EVER YOU REALLY SEE ME!!! I was too pained of people who pretend to care… too pained by people of mockery… of people of pretension and what I so called plasticity… All I wanted was to be listened to, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, to be consoled, to be loved. But many times, MANY TIMES- I find myself alone in a corner trying to be sane enough to pacify the cries of my longing soul…

Wait! No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not blaming no one, not even myself. Yes, you heard me all right!!! And that’s one of the most painful things I don’t get to blame anyone. Tell me, Can I blame you for not knowing that I am searching? Can I blame you when you don’t have the slightest idea that I am longing? Can I blame you for not hearing my pleas? The answer would be a resounding no!!! For I hid it… never let it show. Hidden it into the depths of my heart, mind, body and soul. but now I can’t help it anymore… it’s showing… emerging from the confines of my safekeeping. Manifesting through my thoughts, words, actions.

I’m also human and I also get tired… Tired of what? Of wearing this mask. Of wearing fake faces- a mask of smiles, happiness, bliss, blithe, amity, or felicity… I’m weary… I’m haggard… and my cry echoes in my eyes… my lamentations still left burning in my chest… and now pretensions, deceiving I cannot ingest… so behold! I now take off my mask… see what’s inside. Come and join me in my hapless plight:

For the longest time I’ve walled up my feelings inside, plastered it so well so no one would suspect. But now the foundations I built are now crushed by the ruthless storms that punish every fortress in on dark sleepless nights… the foot of my altar washed over by towering waves… my shelter swayed as the cold, howling midnight winds blow.

I AM A TURMOIL… I AM A MESS.

But still I’m desperately searching for the LIGHT.

I’m longing to regain sight for I am blinded…
I am being stoned to death…
I am honed and being strengthened…
I’ll accept defeat so I could learn from the wisest of the most wisest men…
I’LL LIVE… I’LL FIGHT AND I’LL SURVIVE!!!

Still I’m going to wander…
Still I continue on with this quest…
Because maybe, just maybe… when I’m lost, there I’ll be found…