i am only human- i am entitled to make mistakes...

"Right To Be Wrong"

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I 'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe

I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the boneSee,
I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me aloneI've got a right to be wrong

I've been held down to longI've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Stupid! How stupid you are!!!! These words scream inside of me whenever I’ve done something wrong… most of the time I blame myself for committing false acts, wrong decisions and false judgments… I’ve been very impatient with myself… been very harsh and unforgiving… perhaps that’s one of the reasons why being a perfectionist and idealist becomes at one point or the other- negative! But, now a realization came… God has blessed me two people who reminded me that I am only human. I will make mistakes and that it’s okay to make one. They often tell me that God understands why people (that of course includes myself) commit wrongful acts and that God is a forgiving God… he is a God of mercy who understands things that are difficult for us too comprehend… After all, why would he send his only begotten son if He doesn’t love us that much right? (but that of course doesn’t give us the right to abuse His forgiving heart for our earthly desires)Yes, I know all of that but most of the time I forget and tend to take things in control believing that I can manipulate them in my own two hands… Well, that’s where pride settles in, in believing that you could do almost anything even if it’s beyond your control… and I was wrong… I was too forgetful… I have to be reminded all the time that I am only human and that apart from God I can do nothing… I was just too tied down with my responsibilities that every wrong move I make, I fear that it might slow me down. But the more I run away from my mistakes the more they catch up on me… the more I realized that I have to forgive myself before I can truly go on… the wrong moves cannot be straightened out by another one… but then again every move is a lesson learned… I have to take my time with each step… two steps forward and one step back… that’s how I have to start from now on… and from that I hope I will move on…

The ANGEL in RAGE!!!

I have been lost as of the past years including the one that just recently passed, but until now I am not yet found… still I am searching for something within. Something that would fill up the rest of the void. A void that the past and the present had left empty.

For quite sometime I have been wandering off somewhere… the place? Until now, I don’t know where… Maybe in the deep dark abysses of an estranged mind… or the damned cul- de –sacs of mundane existence or perhaps through the deceiving avenues of temptations. Where?! I don’t exactly know where. All I know is that I’ve wandered off that far to even know where I am right now. Sure, I have something in my mind for a nice destination… a place of tranquility… a place where I truly belong… I’ve wandered that far to find such an abode, but to no avail… hhmmm, maybe you’re asking as to why I didn’t ask others that were far knowledgeable than me… I did I asked. Yet no one answered my inquiry… no one understood me… no one.

All the more I became empty. All the more, the empty void within me grew!!! All the more I wandered- until I was gone… so far to be reached. So secluded to be touched. So hidden to be seen. So muffled a voice to be heard. Indeed, I accepted it I was far gone. A rebel on the loose… A progeny of the prodigal son you might add if you want to…but what’s that for me now? NOTHING!!! I DON’T CARE OF WHAT EVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME, WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, HOW YOU SEE ME OR IF EVER YOU REALLY SEE ME!!! I was too pained of people who pretend to care… too pained by people of mockery… of people of pretension and what I so called plasticity… All I wanted was to be listened to, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, to be consoled, to be loved. But many times, MANY TIMES- I find myself alone in a corner trying to be sane enough to pacify the cries of my longing soul…

Wait! No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m not blaming no one, not even myself. Yes, you heard me all right!!! And that’s one of the most painful things I don’t get to blame anyone. Tell me, Can I blame you for not knowing that I am searching? Can I blame you when you don’t have the slightest idea that I am longing? Can I blame you for not hearing my pleas? The answer would be a resounding no!!! For I hid it… never let it show. Hidden it into the depths of my heart, mind, body and soul. but now I can’t help it anymore… it’s showing… emerging from the confines of my safekeeping. Manifesting through my thoughts, words, actions.

I’m also human and I also get tired… Tired of what? Of wearing this mask. Of wearing fake faces- a mask of smiles, happiness, bliss, blithe, amity, or felicity… I’m weary… I’m haggard… and my cry echoes in my eyes… my lamentations still left burning in my chest… and now pretensions, deceiving I cannot ingest… so behold! I now take off my mask… see what’s inside. Come and join me in my hapless plight:

For the longest time I’ve walled up my feelings inside, plastered it so well so no one would suspect. But now the foundations I built are now crushed by the ruthless storms that punish every fortress in on dark sleepless nights… the foot of my altar washed over by towering waves… my shelter swayed as the cold, howling midnight winds blow.

I AM A TURMOIL… I AM A MESS.

But still I’m desperately searching for the LIGHT.

I’m longing to regain sight for I am blinded…
I am being stoned to death…
I am honed and being strengthened…
I’ll accept defeat so I could learn from the wisest of the most wisest men…
I’LL LIVE… I’LL FIGHT AND I’LL SURVIVE!!!

Still I’m going to wander…
Still I continue on with this quest…
Because maybe, just maybe… when I’m lost, there I’ll be found…

tarry and be still...

"love never gets tired... only people do...
whenever i get tired, it doesn't mean that i don't love anymore...
i just need a rest so that...
I could come back to even love you more..."

yes, love never gets tired only people do... i know how to love but now i am tired of doing so...
why? for almost all the time people kept me waiting... waiting for answers, for reassurances and most of the time for NOTHING!!! Oh! how angry i am for people who could guiltlessly carry on with their lives without even thinking that they left someone painfully waiting for them... it just pains me that all the time i have to be hanged floating in mid- air... desperately praying that somehow someone would catch me or that someone is kind enough to keep me planted on the ground... it just pains me that i don't understand why i have to depend on someone as if it were my only salvation from losing sanity or myself... i don't understand... maybe i'm just so used of people making me wait alll the time so i now i don't know the difference at all... i don't know... but now i am tired of waiting...

"If You Forget Me"

by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body

of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine...

hhhmm… I’ve posted this earlier but I failed to explain why… but here it is now…
uhm,this is a poem by Pablo neruda, one of the world’s most renowned poets… well, I need not explain why I chose this, because I know for sure that those who know me really well would know exactly why…

this is for Orby: as you said we are only passing each other’s lives mainly to leave a mark- a very valuable lesson that is. I couldn’t help but agree… yes, People come and people go… that is inevitable. It is a fact of life that everything that begins has to end. And if it is for us to end then so be it. If you ask that I may leave you alone in peace, then I will (even if I don’t want to)… And if you wish to leave me, then do so. Don’t think of what I’ll feel or how will I go on… coz certainly time will heal it all and I’ll be able to carry on. Though, it’ll take an awful lot of time.. I’ll agree if that’s what you think is the best for us. I don’t have to disprove anything, provided that I’d be given a reasonable cause. I’ll be in pain of course, I’ll be a hypocrite if I don’t say so… I may wallow in sadness for quite a while.. but maybe I can go on along just fine. I may be haunted by sweet memories but I may forget them.. I may walk around faking smiles… I may lament and mourn for a while… but maybe time will make me forget… time can erase it all… maybe I can recover after such fall… yes, if you forget me… it’ll hurt but I’m going to be fine… but if ever you need me back I’ll never decline…

the gain when all things are lost

i'd like to share a poem by edgar allan poe.. take time to read it and explore a world on your own. realte it to who you are and be ready for a realization that you have never been subjected to before... read on.

"Dream Within A Dream"

by edgar allan poe


Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save One
from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

--->haven't you thought of these things? haven't these questions crossed your mind? haven't you realized that some things must really be lost? yes, you heard me right. lost. life? it takes an awful lot of sacrifices- be it material or even worse something more important like your talents, gifts, capabilities, personality and even your passion. life isn't fair whoever told you that life is fair is an outright liar. we have to lose things- essential things. for having lost something would make you realize its true value. we often are far sighted and blinded by things that surround us,not knowing that more valuable things are just right at or faces staring at us. we really have a lesson to learn that what is essential is invisible. we only can appreciate things once it's taken away. we have to risk, we have to...sacrifice, we have to suffer, we have to bleed, we have to weep, we have to get down and creep, we have to lose everything and give until nothing is left... such sacrifice is repaid by wisdom, understanding, appreciation, knowledge, strength that no one, no book, no human can ever teach except life itself.

a versifier? i still (though frustratingly) believe i am...

to write... by far it is the best thing i can say i do. to write is my passion, it is my air... the air i breathe... the food that feeds my soul... the blood that runs through my veins.... the every bit constitutes my being... it is this that makes me whole... yes, to write makes me alive. yet it so depressing that almost every important person in my life discouraged me to do so.... why can't they understand that writing (atleast for me) is life itself? how could they deprive me of such life i long to live? how?! i dealt with every inquiry as to why i can't let go of writing...yet still no one understood... no one understood!!! is it so hard to understand is it?! now teel me...any fool you could see roaming in the streets consumed in their bewildering,overwhelming thoughts would still agree with me!!! yes, they would... hhhmmm... the main thing i would like to stress out is this(read carefully!!!)--- still i can't comprehend why such overwhelming odds interfere with my longing to write? i intend to hurt no one, destroy no one... all i wanted is to simply write... that's all... that's all i've ever wanted in my whole life... why can't you let me? wwwwwwwhhhhhyyyyyyy???